You’re Not Dealing With a Narcissist
You’re Dealing With Your Own Emotional Repression
If you’ve been online lately, you’ve probably noticed the nonstop ‘narcissist vs. empath’ saga.
The narcissist: self-centered, manipulative, controlling.
The empath: sensitive, giving, selfless.
The moral? Avoid one, become the other.
It’s cute. It’s catchy. Too bad it’s mostly nonsense.
I’m not talking about physical or psychological abuse — that’s another conversation entirely. I’m talking about how people casually throw these labels around when someone simply disagrees with them, raises their voice, or (heaven forbid) makes them feel uncomfortable.
I’ve been called both a narcissist and an empath. I’ve worn the empath badge with pride — the kind, attuned, morally superior and “good” person in the room — while tossing anyone remotely arrogant into the narcissist dungeon. It felt good. Righteous. Safe.
And it was also a brilliant way to avoid looking at my own shadows: covert judgment, self-righteousness, and a rage so deeply buried it needed a miner’s helmet to find.
After years of emotional repression work, here’s the inconvenient truth:
Traits aren’t identities. They’re survival strategies. The “narcissist” and the “empath” aren’t villains and heroes. They’re twins in different outfits, both running from the same thing.
How the Empath-Narcissist Polarity Works in Culture
Yes, narcissistic personality disorder exists. No, your ex probably didn’t have it just because they liked themselves a little too much. “Narcissist” has become lazy shorthand for “doesn’t mirror me the way I want.”
Meanwhile, “empath” is often code for “I never express anger because it’s immature and low vibe.”
Here’s the problem: you can’t see people clearly when you’re looking through the fogged-up lense of your own repressed emotions. You slap labels on others instead of feeling what’s going on in your own body.
Spoiler: it’s not about them. It’s about the boxes of childhood feelings you stuffed deep inside your body, taped shut, and scribbled in crayon: “DO NOT OPEN EVER.”
The Real Puppet Master of Your Drama
Through Emotional Repression Inquiry (Kiloby Inquiries), I’ve seen that everyone, whether so-called narcissists and empaths, are simply keeping their needs met unconsciously — using opposite repression strategies.
Here’s the cheat sheet:
- So-called narcissists: Mostly repress vulnerable emotions — fear, hurt, grief, tenderness, love — and over-identify with big energies like anger, power, confidence. It’s easier to roar than to risk the ache.
- So-called empaths: Mostly repress big energies — anger, rage, power, sexuality — and over-identify with vulnerability, sadness, and care. It’s easier to be endlessly nice than to risk being “too much.”
Both are clever ways of avoiding the childhood emotions you unconsciously decided were too dangerous to feel. Both may look noble on the surface. Both are run by the same unconscious survival software — just with different screen savers.
Each trait protects you from the feelings you weren’t allowed to feel and express as a kid.
Covert Narcissism in Empaths: The Mirror Image
In Kiloby Inquiries, we sometimes call certain empath patterns a form of covert narcissism. Not the clinical diagnosis — the functional twin.
Empaths often think they’re the antithesis of narcissism. But swap power for niceness, and you’ve got the same dynamic. Instead of dominating with control, the empath dominates with care.The mirror works like this:
- The “classic” narcissist locks away their vulnerability.
- The “covert” empath locks away their anger.
And both get annoyed when the other flaunts the thing they can’t touch in themselves.
It’s repression policing repression.
Why Narcissists and Empaths Trigger Each Other
You know those work meetings where one person’s “confident contribution” is another’s “arrogant monologue”? That’s the Narcissist-Empath polarity at work.
We don’t actually react to them. We react to the disowned parts of us walking around in someone else’s body, waving hello.
Your nervous system screams, “Danger!” and suddenly it’s war.
Nothing personal. Just your repression protecting its turf.
The Bigger Picture
We are creating separation all the time, as we feel separated. And we feel separated, because we are separated from essential emotions. Those we had to bury in our body and got trapped in contractions of frozen fear.
The empath/narcissist story isn’t special. The same mechanics play out in:
- Liberal vs. Conservative
- Masculine vs. Feminine
- Hyper-independent vs. Codependent
- Vaccinated vs. Anti-vaxxers
- “Good” vs. “Bad” people
- …and yes, even Star Trek fans versus Star Wars fans.
Every side is allergic to the very qualities they’ve repressed — which is why the other side feels so threatening. They’re holding the keys to your locked emotional boxes in your body (remember, the ones marked “DO NOT OPEN EVER.”), and you’d rather torch the whole house than open the lid. All unconsciously, of course.
The Way Out
Emotional repression happens when emotions you couldn’t feel or express, get trapped in the body. This creates survival programs that is like bad software from childhood still running in the background. It freezes you at “Version 1.0: How to Stay Safe as a Kid.”
The “ego” isn’t evil. It’s just your outdated operating system, protecting you from feelings you couldn’t feel and express and had to bury.
When you work with the repressed material directly (through tools like Emotional Repression Inquiry), the need for “narcissist” or “empath” labels disappears. You can show up with your full emotional spectrum online, no disclaimers needed. You stop needing other people to behave a certain way so you can feel okay.
How to End the Narcissist-Empath Saga?
Drop the labels. Stop calling your boss a raging narcissist, and your secretary an over-sensitive empath. The war ends when you realise both sides are just scared kids in adult suits, running different avoidance strategies.
Nothing is personal, except the part that triggers you. That’s your gold mine. That’s your portal to freedom.
