“I Have to Do It My Way” — The 5-Year-Old Still Vetoing Your Dreams

You want to keep your Duolingo streak going, eat more kale, get support to scale your business, enjoy more intimacy with your spouse, or break your record at the chin-up bar … but your subconscious quietly veers you off course — a faint inner whisper murmuring: “no point,” “it won’t work,” or “not like that.”

It’s not laziness or lack of willpower. It’s a five-year-old’s safety code still running the show.

This week, between Dutch bookkeeping chaos — receipts, numbers, paperwork everywhere — I continue to marvel at how wise our body is — and so deeply grateful for my work with clients of uncovering the exact strategies that once kept us safe when we were most fragile.

Two sneaky unconscious commands I see derailing adult dreams:

  • “I have to do it my way.” (A version I often hear from those who repress hurt as a dominant emotion.)
  • “I don’t want to [do it your way].” (A battle cry I often hear from those who repress anger as a dominant emotion)

It’s not rebellion. It’s frozen protection — quietly torpedoing what you most desire.

In KI Emotional Repression Inquiry, we call these commands — literally. They’re not suggestions; they’re deep nervous system orders, compelling us to act a certain way no matter how much we consciously crave support, intimacy, health, or connection.

Where’d the tiny tyrant come from?

As kids, we learned fast:

  • Fail to meet Mom or Dad’s rules → get shamed, laughed at, punished, or the cold shoulder.
  • Love = be the “big kid” who needs zero help and can MacGyver anything.
  • Parents too controlling → now any guidance can feel like handcuffs.
  • Parents checked out → safer to DIY than risk rejection.

Body’s sticky note: “My way = safe. Their way = danger.”

Fast-forward: you’re grown, craving skills, love, healthier habits… but your nervous system slams the NOPE button the moment someone hands you a map. You try things — then stop. You might even unconsciously orchestrate failure to prove: “See? I have to do it my way.”

If there’s lingering hurt or anger toward a parent — the kind tied to unmet emotional needs — even simple guidance can feel threatening to our unconscious survival system. Following someone else’s lead can echo that old fear of losing autonomy or being hurt again.

So we resist.

We may even put ourselves in situations where we’re criticized or unsafe — just to stay loyal to the old protection pattern. I can’t tell you how often clients and I have seen this pattern.

All so we can keep protecting the hurt and anger we had to bury when feeling and expressing them wasn’t safe.

Of course, this is all unconscious — until we start uncovering the very programming that’s quietly stealing our freedom.

A Quick Check into Your Survival Code

Is there something clearly in your best interest that you dodge or procrastinate?

Or a dream you long to pursue — but somehow don’t?

Try these reverse inquiries (while looking at a parent or other VIP in your mind’s eye) and notice what your body reveals:

  • I love [fill in what you feel you “desire” or “should” do].
  • I want to follow [that plan/person] perfectly.
  • I want to [fill in what you feel you “desire” or “should” do].

Notice the body’s “NO.” Tight jaw? Gut twist? Sudden urge to clean the fridge? That’s the program waving its flag: “Caught me!”

If you’re new to somatic inquiry (especially Kiloby Inquiries) and you’re wondering what I mean by “reverse inquiries,” sign up for my newsletter, besides my free Emotional Repression Test, you get a booklet I wrote about the reverse inquiry and the body’s “no” response. It’ll show you how to let the body reveal where conditioning still runs decisions, actions and words — and how meeting those buried emotions gently dissolves the old command.

What once protected you can finally relax.

And that’s where genuine freedom begins.

Curious about how emotional repression might be puppeteering your life? Subscribe to my newsletter at inabackbier.com/subscribe to receive my free Emotional Repression Test and my booklet about the Reverse Inquiry, a powerful somatic tool.